Three Hundred Sixty Four

Our love was once a fire, sending up flares whenever we shared moments. When you left me, the fire was confused. It blazed when we were together, wept and died to near nothing when I was alone. Over time, like all fires, it began to die. When it took a dive, I would take wood and toss it into the measly fire and force it to be reborn. Yet this was no phoenix. The time we spent together lessened and lessened, finally resulting to a net zero. Oh how I cried. My tears dampen not the remaining fire, but they created a pool of desparateness and I spent every living moment chopping trees and keeping us alive. The world around me became a wasteland, void of trees and all things flammable. All of it had been poured into keeping the love alive. All I had left were smoldering ashes and a small handful of tinder. So in the tinder went. When the ashes’ occasional flicker dimmed, I would place some tinder around the specks and cup my hands around it. I blew, lovingly, gently, hopefully, and with each breath more of myself was poured into the void our love had become. I became empty. And the fire was dying. I began to question myself, every day, all day, confused by the lack of emotion. Frustrated, I dropped the rest of the tinder in and blew. And with that breath I blew the fire out.
I tried so hard to preserve us. Now we are nothing. I am coming back, though. The smoke that billows from our love fills me. It is dark emotion, dark like the black smoke; sick emotion, like the depression that swept me away. The emotion is filled with pain and fear and regret. But I can feel again. Maybe one day there will be a new forest and maybe this one won’t die, but flourish.

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Back down the spiral

She feels

Regret

Anger

PIty

Only towards herself.

There is nothing left

For her

In this

Cruel 

Unforgiving

Dark

World in which she dwells.

She tried 

Once

Upon a

Time

To fight the monster.

This time

The monster 

Will

Not

Receive the pleasure of

Watching

Her 

Struggle.

She gives in.

No fight

No will

No life.

Gone. 

Byebye Shit Year

I have nothing to type so im just filling up this space with some words there is no punctuation haha grammar nazis yall can burn happy new year i guess why does it have to be happy it might be a bad year idk welp im still sadly blocked im not so depressed although thats probby gonna gome back once school starts no more sleeping 13 hours a day huehue back to 6 this gon suck almost 14 blah blah i need real friends 

Anniversary

It’s been a year? Heh. I don’t feel time. I should be marimba-ing. Oh well.

Today, I am here to ruin your life. This link chains you to the internet. You are eternally bound by it to the world wide web now. Ha. Ha. HAHAHA

Here is another one. Because you can never have enough deadweight 🙂 

So, enjoy. Hopefully I will write more (glares at Lala) or rant about something. Actually, I think I’ll start posting craft updates soon. Wouldn’t a gayer feel to this horrendous blog be nicer?

My limerence is hanging by a thread. Any day now. 

my (un)happy little anniversary

+david h it’s been a year since i’ve been inside your house! why won’t you come play with me?
part one
3:18 PM 
me: HI
 
davy: O
 
me: u home?
 
davy: Yup
3:19 PM 
me: me come?
 
davy: Kk
3:20 PM 
me: unil when
3:21 PM 
*until
3:25 PM 
hullo?
 
davy: 4:30
 
me: crap
  
1 hr
  
umm
  
/me stalls
  
prob around 2
  
4
  
screw
  
4
 
davy: K
 
me: u want ansh’s chat?
3:26 PM 
davy: Kk
 
me: email r can i just past in chat
 
davy: Idc
3:27 PM 
me: 9:08 PM 
me: O hey
9:11 PM 
Ansh: hi
9:12 PM 
me: Hows summer

Ansh: good

me: Bad

Ansh: o

y

me: I miss david

Ansh: ok….
9:13 PM 
isn’t

he like right next to your house

?
9:14 PM 
me: Yes….

Ansh: then go to his house

or something…

me: I do

Hez not always home

And parents

Ansh: o
9:15 PM 
whenever i go 2 sohum’s house, we always spy on u guys

from the window

me: 0_o

Not cool
9:16 PM 
Ansh: uhhhuuu

me: Lol

Do u expect us to run out and make out on his lawn?

Ansh: umm

yes

lol
9:17 PM 
me: Not

Cool

Ansh: u do know that u guys got caught on camera about to ❤ at school

me: About to wat?
9:18 PM 
Ansh: kiss

me: No….

Ansh: yes

me: When….

Ansh: on the last day
9:19 PM 
everyone talks about it

now

me: No….

I

Dont

Ansh: yes

me: Remember

Ansh: remember wut?
9:20 PM 
me: He

Wouldnt

Kiss

Me

Ansh: o

there are rumors that he likes u

me: Used to 🙂

Ansh: wut happened?
9:21 PM 
me: He became unbored

Ansh: ??

me: When he has nothing to do he chooses to like me

APPARENTLY

Ansh: who says?

me: HE DOES

Ansh: o wow
9:22 PM 
thats mean

!!!

me: Hes DAVID HOU

Ansh: true…

me: 😛

Ansh: g2g bye

me: I know surya took pictures of us hugging

Ansh: yea

me: But not kissing
9:23 PM 
Ansh: g2g bibi

c ya at hopkins
9:24 PM 
me: Kk

WAIT

STAY BOY

GIMME THE PICTURES

PLEASE

ANSHY

PWEASE
9:25 PM 
Ansh: ok

me: GOOD BOY

Ansh: i dont have any pics of u

me: O…k?
9:26 PM 
Ansh: i just saw them on someone else’s phone

me: Whos this someone

Ansh: aidan

and surya

me: AIDEN

SURYA

WHERE DO THEY LIVE

Ansh: i dun know
9:27 PM 
i dont stalk them

me: EMAIL THEM

AND

GIVE

ME

WONDERFUL
  
9:28 PM 
Ansh: y should i
  
9:29 PM 
me: Please

Ansh: o

i don’t even have their email address
9:30 PM 
me: Ugh

Ansh: yes

me: Call the,

M

Call the,

M

Ur bffs yes?

/me is dying here

Ansh: ok

me: Hm

Im going to taiwan on the second

Ansh: just ask like ur friends

me: And i wont c david anymoar
9:31 PM 
Ansh: y

me: So :C

Becuz

Parents

Ht

Oops

Good night

Thx ansh 🙂

Ansh: bi
9:32 PM 
ur parents dont want u 2 c him
3:28 PM 
9:34 PM 
Ansh: bi
3:29 PM 
davy: O
 
me: u read fast
 
davy: O
3:30 PM 
me: did u
  
read
  
it
  
all
 
davy: Yup
3:31 PM 
me: ok
14 minutes
3:46 PM 
davy: U see still alive
 
me: yep
  
fat kid
3:48 PM 
davy: O
3:49 PM 
It’s a woman
  
From portal
 
me: on screen
  
ik
 
davy: O
3:50 PM 
me: its good
 
davy: Ikr
 
me: _
  
must memorize
3:51 PM 
davy: O
  
Devesh memorized it…
 
me: POO
  
BUT HE CANT SING
 
davy: O
  
Ikr
  
U see the portal 2 song

part two
6:00 PM 
me: hi….
  
that was so awkward
  
my mom locked the door
  
and thought i was kidnapped
6:02 PM 
davy: O
  
Wat did u say
 
me: i climbed a tree
  
a few hundred times
 
davy: O
  
Fail
 
me: and read in the bathroom
  
she bought ir
  
it
 
davy: O
6:03 PM 
GENIUS
 
me: IKR
  
IM LIKE
  
__
  
but she even went to ur house
  
im like HOLY F
6:04 PM 
davy: O
 
me: and drove around the neighborhood
  
she locked the door
  
so i ripped the screen on my window
  
and pulled of the screen

Perception of Time

something has been bothering me alot lately. time. i dont seem to be able to drink in everything at a leisurely pace. i feel like the worlds moving too fast–without me. its been like this for a while now. a week or so. or a month. i dont know. i remember very little, and my days are time stamped by horrible events that i do now want to attend. for example, ive been living between 2 points: PAS (april 19) and ABRSM (may 20). i am living for abrsm. and i remember things by saying, oh that was a week after pas. oh that was 2 weeks before pas. and its effective.

but its sad. i have no goal in life anymore. david used to be my goal, but ive been having super mixed feelings lately. actually, i dont think i can feel much anymore. i doubt im falling into depression (allie brosh has a few pieces about them. she is finally back!!!) because i still have a few bright spots everyday. im really confused and thats not the point.

what im trying to say, is that everyday is a blur. nothing is special anymore. i feel lost and valueless. my life is a dump. its been another week, huh? ive been mentally working of this excerpt for a half week then. sigh. bye bye 🙂